Celebrity Death Match
by Anne Boleyn
Summary: The one, the only, the ORIGINAL Celebrity Death Match: Tortallan Style! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm back with the Second Round of Matches! FINISHED
1. Ideas

THE ULTIMATE CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH MATCHES  
  
  
Disclaimer: I wrote this while extremely high, so don't like freak out or anything! I'm really  
stoned or something, it seems like, so just hang with me.......oh yeah, a couple of these people  
are from Harry Potter, which may confuse some, though most are Tamora Pierce.....Oh, the last  
match is my favorite one, by the way. Oh, and after reading this, you hafta tell me your  
favorite one, and I'll write that one into a fic........SR0610@aol.com, also   
sailorjupiter0105@sailormoon.com, but I check the AOL one more often.....  
  
1. Roger vs. Lord Voldemort--I would laugh so hard if I saw this.....of course Roger and Voldy  
would be gay, tall, and look like Joey Fatone (Roger), and a screwed up, on drugs Dracula  
(Voldemort).  
  
2. Numair vs. Ozorne--Oh my God, there would have to be something in here about whose eyeliner  
was better, and what companies they got it from (Numair from Cover Girl, Ozorne from either  
Maybelline or Bobbi Brown), and stuff like that!  
  
3. Alanna vs. Kel--Oooh, that would be good. Kel could call Alanna a fucking whore, and Alanna  
would call Kel a prude dyke. In the end, I have to say, Alanna would win, because Kel IS a   
prude dyke, even if Alanna is a whorish slut........  
  
4. Delia vs. Josiane--I like this one......along the lines of Christina Aguilera and Britney  
Spears, only instead of who's a better singer, they'd be bitching about who's a better slut.  
Then, since it's a battle of the sluts, Alanna jumps in, conquering all.....  
  
5. Buri vs. Onua--Oh, God, I'd have fun with this one. ROFLMAO, I'm cracking up just thinking  
about it.....ok, a major bitch-fest about which one is more butch......nuff said!  
  
6. Neal vs. Harry Potter--I actually don't know if this would be funny, though it would be very  
interesting to see, with Harry on his Firebolt, Neal trying to blast him with his Gift, finally  
conjuring a dragon to eat Harry in the end.......ok, that's not funny. Never mind.  
  
7. Duke Gareth vs. Professor Dumbledore--I like this one, it's funny. Actually, I'd love to   
see it, with Gareth and Dumbledore ignoring their growing arthritis to chase each other around,  
beating the other over the head with a cane......but in the end, Gareth would have to win,   
because he kicks ass!  
  
8. Lord Wyldon vs. Professor Snape--This is probably my second favorite, because it's just so  
fucking funny! I really can't stand either of these guys, so I'd really enjoy bashing both of  
them.......in the end, they'd both have to die, of course!  
  
9. Daine vs. Thayet--Ok, this is the second to last.....but this would be funny too, I'd really  
like to see it on MTV, though that'll never happen until me and Alexa rule the world *grins  
evilly*! Oh well, a girl can dream. I'd love to see these two wannabe divas battling it out   
as clay figures. Hahaha, definetly something about the hair, and the face........Daine would   
win, even though I can't stand either, but Thayet just bugs the heck outta me!  
  
10. Jonathan vs. George--AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'd give ANYTHING to see this! LOL! They'd have  
to be fighting over Alanna the slut, etc. Now, in the end, George would win, because he kicks  
so much ass it's scary, and because Jonathan is a sexist, chauvanist (sp?) bastard! Personally,  
even if you don't vote for that one, I'm gonna write one anyway, cause I love the idea SOOOOOOO  
MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	2. The First Round of Matches

Celebrity Death Match-Tortallan Style  
  
Cast of Characters:  
  
Alanna the non-slut: Co-host  
Thayet the ditz: Co-host  
Lord Wyldon: no words...contestant in first match  
Professor Snape: no words...contestant in first match  
Lord Voldemort: Evil, gay wizard...contestant in second match  
Duke Roger: Evil, gay sorceror...contestant in second match  
George: Hot baron...contestant in third match  
Jonathan: Hot king...contestant in third match  
  
  
(Intro music)  
  
Alanna: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Tortallan version of Celebrity Death  
Match! We're trying to kick MTV's ass in ratings here!  
  
Thayet: Tonight, we've got some good match-ups. First off, there's Lord Wyldon, the  
knight training master for the Royal Palace vs. Professor Snape, the evil potions  
master from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in England!   
  
Alanna: Umm, Thayet, we're running on a time slot here! We've only got a half hour.  
I know you want to give a little biography on each person, but we really don't have  
time.  
  
Thayet: Hey, shut up, you slut!  
  
Alanna: I'm not a slut! At least I don't sleep around behind my husband's back with   
his friends!  
  
Thayet: No, just his enemies.  
  
Alanna: Sorry, hun, that's *your* job. I know all about....  
  
(Lights flash. In the ring stands Wyldon.)  
  
Wyldon: Great Mithros, he can't even be on time! Where's my fucking opponent?  
  
Alanna (looking hopeful): Hey, if Snape doesn't show, I'll take him on!  
  
(Snape glides in on his broomstick.)  
  
Snape: Sorry, I had to try and get Potter expelled. Took a while, but that crackpot  
who belongs in a nursing home won't budge unless I win this match! Dumbledore's got  
the little weasel in his office. They're watching TTV to see who wins.  
  
Alanna (under her breath): Shit, I can't beat the crap outta Wyldon.  
  
Ref: Let's get it on!  
  
Snape: Your mamma!  
  
Wyldon (drawing his sword): Huh? What about my mother?  
  
Snape (raising his broomstick): You heard me...your mamma!  
  
Wyldon (whacks Snape's arm off): Black God, this won't take long!  
  
Snape (knock's Wyldon's leg off): That hurt, you ugly bastard! Your mamma!  
  
Wyldon (cuts off Snape's other arm): Well, your mamma!  
  
Snape (kicking Wyldon's other leg off): Did you just diss me?  
  
Wyldon: Where'd you learn that?  
  
Snape: Obi-Wan has taught me well.  
  
Wyldon (dying): Who the fuck is Obi-Wan?  
  
(dies)  
  
Snape (dying): I won, dammit! Now Potter is expelled!  
  
(dies)  
  
Alanna: Well, I see we had no outcome of that match....  
  
Thayet (gazing off into the distance): If you're happy and you know it clap your  
hands!   
  
(claps hands)  
  
Alanna (hitting Thayet with her shield): Yo, wake up! Anyway, our next match will  
hopefully have a better end, with at least a victor.  
  
(Roger comes in, dancing to "Dirty Pop." Voldy comes in from the other side, walking  
like Michael Caine in "Miss Congeniality," when he's showing Sandra Bullock how to   
walk like a lady.)  
  
Ref: Let's get it on!  
  
Roger: Before we begin, I'd like to set the record straight. My name is Joey Fatone,  
I'm not gay, because my girlfriend just had a baby named Brianne (sp?), and that I am  
going to win, despite the fact that I didn't win the popular vote, but I did get the   
Electoral College.  
  
Voldy: *I* wanted a recount. But did anyone listen to me? No, they just *had* to   
elect that illiterate jackass Best Villian.  
  
Roger (pulls out wizard's rod): Prepare to die, Sore Loserman!  
  
Voldy (pulls out wand): Wrong election, genius!  
  
Roger (knocks off Voldy's hand, then sings like Aaron Carter): And that's how I beat  
Si-Cham! And I'm gonna do it again!  
  
Voldy (sticks wand into Roger): You're just a loser, get over it!  
  
(Roger dies. He's carried off by Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Lance Bass and Chris  
Kirkpatrick, who are singing "This I Promise You")  
  
Voldy (dancing): I didn't even have to use Avada Kedavra! Hahahahahahaha, I win again.  
Now, Snape, it's time for us to conquer the world!   
  
(dances out of ring)  
  
Thayet: Well, that was interesting...I thought Joey would win.  
  
Alanna: You ditz! His name is Roger. Only an idiot wouldn't get that! Dammit, Thayet,   
you're stupid. He just wants to be in *NSYNC cause they get into clubs free and don't  
have to pay for drinks at bars.   
  
Thayet (pouting): Shut up.  
  
Alanna: Now, for this match, we're supposed to be impartial, but I just want to add that  
Jonathan is gonna lose.  
  
Thayet: Yeah right, George is going DOWN!  
  
Alanna: You wish.  
  
(George enters the ring. The crowd goes wild. Jon enters. Everyone is silent.)  
  
Jon: Fine, when I win, I'll have all of you beheaded!  
  
George: Sure, Jon, in your dreams.  
  
Jon: Hey, I'm the King of Tortall!  
  
George: And that means *what* to me?  
  
Jon (drawing sword): It should mean a lot! I am.....  
  
George (drawing sword): You know, Jon, no one gives a shit. Ok, so, why don't you just  
shut up?  
  
(cuts off Jon's ear)  
  
Jon: Oww, that hurted!  
  
George: All the education that money can buy and you can't even use correct English? What  
the fuck is your problem?  
  
Jon: At least my wife's not a slut.  
  
George: She's not. But I could tell you stories about Thayet that would make your hair  
curl. That might look cute on you!  
  
Jon: Stop mocking me!   
  
George: I think I have to end this poor excuse for a Celebrity Death Match now, because   
this is really a waste of my time.  
  
(cuts off Jonathan's head)  
  
Alanna (stands up and cheers): Yeah! See, Thayet, Jon sucks.   
  
Thayet (jumps up and down): I'm single, I'm single, I'm single.......  
  
A/N: And so ends this mockery! LOL...I have to do some legal crap, so just hang on a  
second.  
  
Disclaimer: All the TP people belong to Tamora Pierce, all of the HP people belong to J.K.  
Rowling and Warner Bros. I think that's all! Oh yeah, Celebrity Death Match was created   
by MTV, but TTV belongs to me! I think I'll use it some more. Maybe for a TRL parody... 


	3. The Second Round of Matches

_Celebrity Death Match-Tortallan Style_: Episode 2

Cast of Characters:

Alanna the Lioness: co-host

Thayet the Peerless: co-host

Delia of Eldorne: lady at Tortallan court, contestant in first match

Josiane of the Copper Isles: princess, contestant in first match

Neal of Queenscove: Tortallan knight, contestant in second match

Harry Potter: young wizard, contestant in second match

Joren of Stone Mountain: Tortallan squire, contestant in third match

Draco Malfoy: young wizard, contestant in third match

(Intro…music, titles, etc.)

Alanna: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to _Celebrity Death Match: Tortallan Style_!  I'm your co-host, Alanna of Pirate's Swoop and Olau!

Thayet: Hey, y'all!  I'm your other co-host, Queen Thayet of Tortall!  We have a great lineup for you tonight!  However, we are kinda running on a timeframe, so let's get on with the matches!

Alanna: Our first match is a battle of the sluts, Lady Delia of Eldorne vs. Princess Josiane of the Copper Isles!  And here they are!

(Delia enters the ring, wearing a short green leather minidress with matching go-go boots.  Josiane enters the opposite side, clad in blue hotpants, a silver halter, and blue and silver heels.  The crowd catcalls)

Ref: Ok, I want a good clean fight from both of you.  (Sticks whistle in his mouth)  Let's get it on!  (blows whistle)

(Josiane lunges at Delia, who sidesteps her)

Delia: Crazy ho, is that the best you can do?  (unsheathes two daggers)  Bring it on, byatch!

Alanna: Hey, where did you learn that?

Delia: You weren't the only one sleeping with George, you know!

Alanna (standing up and drawing sword): How _dare _you?!?!?!

Josiane: Uhm, excuse me, I believe that this is my fight!

Alanna (sitting down): Oops, sorry…

Josiane (claws Delia): Take that, you slut!

(Blood rushes down Delia's face)

Delia: You ruined me, you ho!  What's Jonathan gonna think now?  What am I going to tell my grandchildren?

Josiane: Jonathan's mine, slut!

Thayet: Wrong, Jonathan is _mine_.

Delia and Josiane: Shut up, whore!

Thayet (sitting back down): Sorry, sorry…Horse Lords, you both need lessons on anger management!

Delia (turning back to Josiane): You ruined my face, bitch, now you're gonna pay!  

(Delia throws both daggers at Josiane)

Josiane: This isn't the last you'll hear from me, whore! 

(Josiane dies)

Delia: I won!  I won!  (stops chanting)  But my face is ruined!  (sobs)

(Guards drag Delia out of the ring, crying hysterically)

Alanna: Ooooo-kay…moving on…

Thayet: Our next match is between those green-eyed hotties y'all love to love!  Please welcome Mr. Harry Potter and Sir Nealan of Queenscove!  

(crowd erupts into shrieks of lovestruck females of around the age of 12-15.  Harry and Neal enter the ring, on opposite sides)

Ref: Ok, I want a good clean fight!  Let's get it on!

Harry: Show me the _love_, ladies!  I'm not feeling it!

Neal: Oh, shut up, you British prig-faced ninny!

Harry (pulling out wand): _What_ did you call me, you wanker?

Neal (pulling out sword): You heard me, whelk boy!  

(Harry jumps at Neal, Neal dodges in the other direction)

Neal: It would do you a little good to have lessons from a Shang!

Harry: What in the name of pantyhose is a Shang?

Alanna: What're pantyhose?

Harry: You're _wearing_ it!  Besides, why are you being so damn obnoxious?  Stay out of the fights!

Alanna (pouts): Ok, fine.

Neal: Listen, broomstick boy, bring it on!

Harry: Ah, shove your lance up your arse, you wet weed!  

(Neal punches straight through Harry…blood and guts galore)

Neal: Oh, disgusting!  You're ruining my best tunic!  Get away from me! 

(Harry chases a squealing Neal gleefully around the ring, spreading his nasty insides everywhere)

Neal: Stop it!  I'm telling my daddy!

Harry (sticking out tongue): Oh, God, you wuss!  You're nothing but a pansy wearing pantyhose!

Neal: How dare you insult my hose!

(Neal chops Harry's head off with sword)

Neal: I won!  Oh, I won!  Goodness, wow!  I won!

(Neal dances out of the ring)

Alanna: Well, I still don't get what pantyhose are, but…

Thayet: Well, that's because you're a numbskull…pantyhose are hose!  Tights!  You know, what you're _wearing!_

Alanna (looking down at hose): Well, why do they call them pantyhose, then?  Why isn't it just hose?

Thayet (exasperated): Gods, Alanna, I don't know!  I don't think it matters!  Anyway, our third and final match is the battle of the Ice Queens…oops, sorry, Ice Princes, Draco Malfoy and Joren of Stone Mountain!

(Draco and Joren enter the ring, both acknowledging the screaming girls trying to get past the security guards)

Ref: I want a good, clean fight!  Let's get it on!

Joren: Oh, I see it's another one of my clones.  Gods, when will you learn that I am the only ice prince?

Draco: As if!  My father…

Joren (drawing sword): Your father?  What?  What'll he do?  Ooooh, I'm scared now.  Go running to Daddy, Draco!  _My_ father is a lord!  Beat that!

Draco (pulling out want): Oh please!  I'm a Malfoy!  And besides, I'm the hottest person at Hogwarts, male or female!  Those girls out there would die for me!

Joren: Oh, gods, Draco…please.  I mean, you can't even bully Potter properly.  Perhaps you should take a lesson or two from me!

Draco: What, and end up _dead?!?!_  I think not!  I'll just wait till Book 7, where I can have my final revenge on Potter.  I mean, you got killed off in the second to last book.  Couldn't you at least have held out till _Lady Knight?_

Joren: Don't you dare insult me, you fool!  I'll make you pay!

(Joren runs his sword through Draco at the same time Draco runs his wand through Joren)

Draco: Damn.  I was supposed to catch you off guard!

(Joren pulls out the wand)

Joren: Tis but a scratch!

Draco: You know what, I'm sick of this match.  I really want to go and try and cheat that Mudblood Hermione Granger out of the top seat in our class!

(Draco takes Joren's sword and cuts off Joren's hair)

Joren: NO!  No, anything but the hair!  NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Draco: Oh my God, it's just hair, it'll grow back!

Joren: Yes, but unevenly!

(Joren holds up a dagger)

Joren: Tis a far, far better thing I do now than I have ever done before.

(Joren stabs himself and dies)

Draco: Yesssss!  I won!  

(Draco struts out of the ring)

Alanna: Uhm, ok…I think that's the first time anyone's ever committed suicide on the show, but uh…

Thayet: Odd.  Hmmm, ok, well, join us next time on _Celebrity Death Match: Tortallan Style!_

(A/N: You guys tell me who you wanna see next in your reviews…that's the only way I'll write another chapter of this mockery.)


End file.
